god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
