Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
