God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
