More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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