I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
