I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
