A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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