I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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