I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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