my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
