That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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