I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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