Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Someone came in the potted fern
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
