Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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