Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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