i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
