i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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