if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
