I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
thus making me awesome and them whores
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
