tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
