he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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