There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
