my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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