when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
