if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
