I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
