Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize