so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize