The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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