So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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