I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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