So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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