the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
