I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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