Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
