I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
