so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
