just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
