If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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