Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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