i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
