Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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