Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
