Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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