All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
