im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
