my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
