In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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