My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
