i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize