I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
