It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
