The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
