if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
