Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Soap is not a condiment
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
