I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
